You Are What You Eat

My breakfast was a McGriddle and three hashbrowns to-go, even though I ate them in the parking lot. No water or soap to wipe the grease off my hands and mouth, so I use a glove box napkin. When I’m finished I throw the grease-soaked piece of paper on to the passenger floor board so it’s out of mind - cause I’m hygienic. My mouth is dry, so I drink the rest of the sweet tea that was in the cup holder from last night. Then I drive back around the block to the house. 

My stomach feels like it’s full of expanding lead and somehow I still feel hungry. I showered when I woke up at noon, but after my McGriddle breakfast, soon to be followed by a captain crunch lunch, I already feel nasty. So, I take my second shower of the day to make sure I’m clean enough for my bed sheets that I haven’t washed since purchase. I lay down and let out a grunt, as if I deserve to. I want to be healthy, because who wants to be unhealthy? 

The head on my pillow is pulled into my phone screen. I cycle through my apps, laugh, and share, but feel empty when I tune back into my dark room. I had some shit to do today, but it looks like I’m an hour late, it’s funny how time slips away. My brain feels in panic when I look away from movement for too long, but gets bored when I look at the same movement for too long. So I’m stuck, stuck in a cycle of ten second stories. Stories that hold no lesson or significance, just oddly entertaining. 

As my phone dies because I couldn’t find the energy to get up til 1% hit, I am forced to be in the moment. It’s hard, honestly. I look at a guitar leaned against the wall - I used to be pretty good but haven’t played in years. There are some dumbbells neglected in the corner. I use them to keep my door open sometimes. I scan my book shelves, full of childhood memories. I can’t imagine reading a page now. 

For some reason, this time between phone charges has fucked with my head. I haven’t even had enough time away from distraction to realize how depressing my life is. I never feel energized, I never feel fulfilled. My life has been controlled without me even knowing it. Controlled physically and mentally. I couldn’t run more than 50 feet before falling to my knees, even if death was chasing me. I couldn’t focus for more than 50 minutes, even if I was interested.

They say you learn something new everyday, but honestly, I can’t even tell you the last time I learned something of significance that translated into a positive influence in my life. I work a job I don’t care for, eat food that is eating me, pay for quick tips and life hacks to cut corners, and have wasted all this time expecting the result of an impactful and complete life. 

No one told me to put in the time, and results will come faster than they sound. I would’ve started working out earlier, but I wanna be ripped now, not in eight months. I would’ve started writing songs yesterday, but the ten minutes I gave myself on my phone turned into an all day thing. My mom always told me I had a good voice and a way with words, but I just watch other people do all that because it’s easier. 

I’ve been looking for a reason to change. Some event or calling; but that'll never come. So I unplugged my phone before the apple appeared. I went outside and felt the sun fill my eyes with warmth. Then I started walking. I walked around the block, past the normal breakfast spot, with no destination in mind. My feet begin to feel sore on top of the crunch of gravel beneath each sneaker. So I took a seat. 

From the curb ¾ a mile away from my house, I notice the breeze cover my sweat soaked back. The same breeze pushes the leaves into a shimmer above my head. The same shimmer glances off the wing of a song bird as it flies between houses. 

My body feels like it deserves to sit. And my mind feels free from distraction. I’m scared to go back home to the life I stopped living today. Maybe I’ll walk forever. 

Call the Doctor - J.J. Cale