Paranoia

Paranoia: A benefit to reap in moderation; and a demon that will mush a human mind with intense emotion. Never something to enjoy; but its' outcomes can be necessary.

I can start with a story:

July 4th, 2022

Just as every year before, we mobbed the river. Floatizilla, it's called. And just as the years before, hundreds gather at the Snake River, ready to continue a full day of celebration. And just like the year before, almost every person I know and care about is alongside me. But this year felt off. Paranoia. Unexplainable; but a feeling we are all familiar with. Texts and calls from friends and family who weren't there, shared concern and wishes of safety; weird in their unity. An alarming feeling; but not one that was going to stop me, or anyone else. Just as every year before, we stopped at the jumping rock. Hundreds smothered the boat covered bank; drunkenly avoiding an ankle roll that could turn into a face on sharp rocks. Just as the years before, almost everyone is fucked up; except for me. This year, I was DD. And again, just like the year before, almost every person I know and care about is alongside me. A great feeling, but a stressful one; especially when your not enjoying a drink alongside them. Splitting the most valuable thing of all, my time, amongst everyone. But it's worth it to me. So I stress. Making sure to see all my brothers and sisters, smiling to see them all together. Then it's time to go, and the paranoia peaks. I start at the top of the jumping rock, and work my way down. Hugging and dapping up anyone I know with death in mind - maybe this is the last time to see them. Paranoia. I hop in my boat with a gap in my mind: I left without giving Hector or Vicious a shake. So I went back up, made sure to give my farwell, said I love y'all, be safe, and see you soon, then left. And just as I feared, but felt like a manifest, that was the last time I saw Hector alive. I saw him the next day at his own funeral.

Maybe I am saying goodbye with the wrong idea in mind. One of loss and nervousness, as opposed to one of rejoice and happiness. But at the same time, it was my paranoia which gifted me a final moment with Hector. One I will remember.

This paranoia isn't unique to one situation or event.

It takes its place in everyday life, whether we label it or not. I don't think it's a force worth fighting; but rather controlling. I know, it is a lot easier said than done, but accepting its presence might just be enough to keep it from controlling your life, but rather adding to it.

Maybe ignorance is bliss. But to be ignorant, you have to ignore the parts of life which gift you uncomfort. And I purposely used the word "gift".