DailyThought #56 - Making Your Paradise

The other night, before I went to bed, I felt good; like I do most nights. Before I went to sleep, I remember imagining of a better life for myself, and the people I love: better than good. This imagination looked like a combination of perfection in my head. Each win was followed by another, and everyone was applauding.

After my thoughts turned to dreams, I was humbled. The perfection I had made up in my head, was then killed in my head. I lived in a world where everyone watched me on the big screen. Every mistake I made, every person I hurt, and every bridge I burned, was seen by everyone. Each day, every decision I made the day before was shown to the masses. People gathered to watch me live my life, while I was in the crowd. Suffering shaken heads and quick side eyes. I knew when I was going to mess up. So, I approached most scenes with my head down, but still, I could feel them looking. When each episode ended, I stood by the door looking for advice. Not because I wanted to, but because I felt like I had to. All the advice that did not work never got criticism. And I never got praise for my for my intention, because intention without production, eventually, is a lie. A lie to yourself and a lie to everyone else.

So, I hoped on my bike. I biked to places where mistakes were made and smiled at their street corners. I knocked on the doors of those I hurt with a handful of flowers. And on my way to rebuild the bridges I burned, I crossed one. A bridge lined with people looking at the water going by; people just like me. The water was wide and muddy. It ran passed small islands and ended in a fade of fog. The shorelines were dense and green, as were the islands. It was silent in my head and my brain smiled. My intentions intended.

I sat on that bridge in happiness. I set my bike down where someone later picked it up. People bumped my shoulders walking by and flicked cigarette butts into the already dirty water, but it was beautiful. I cannot explain why. But I have found paradise in myself.

River Man by Nick Drake